What's this all about

Chronicling my steps to becoming a published novelist, and the randomness of my life.
Showing posts with label revising a story. Show all posts
Showing posts with label revising a story. Show all posts

Monday, July 4, 2011

Chapter 2 - Remix

Here it is, the newly revised and hot off the press Chapter 2(remix). I'm very interested to hear what you think about it in comparison to the original Chapter 2, if you would be so kind. It is kinda long, but your time and your comments are very, very appreciated.

This lovely 3 day weekend has been very good to me in the writing aspect, and I hope to keep that flow flowing. I still have a lot of work to do.

Happy reading! =)


Gabriel

I strolled past the main entrance to Père-Lachaise cemetery just as the tall gendarme bid bon soir to the last remaining tourist. He kept an eye on me over his shoulder while he locked the iron gate behind him. I looked away and kept walking. The last of the living had left the cemetery. It was time to go to work.
I raked my too-long brown hair behind my ear as I rounded the street corner. My father, a stout bear of a man, stood waiting against the cemetery wall. His hair had grown shaggy and long in the last few months as well. He raised his dark eyebrows expectantly as I approached him.
“We’re good,” I said.
The lines in his face deepened, and his dark eyes sparked to life. “Run through it again.”
I picked up the leather satchel at his feet and put it over my shoulder. “We jump the fence and run to Maurice’s tomb. We bust it open, I pull back the coffin lid and we both strike.”
Dad gave a swift nod and turned towards the wall. “Let’s put an end to this son of a bitch.”
With that he jumped up, grabbed the top of the brick wall, and pulled himself over. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Please God, protect us. I crossed myself and then scrambled over the wall.
I hit the ground running. Dad was already barreling down the cemetery streets several yards ahead of me. “Move faster,” he barked.
I gritted my teeth and adjusted the heavy leather bag on my shoulder. I was carrying all of the equipment, while he carried nothing but his vengeance. Despite this, and despite the slick, uneven cobblestones waiting to put me on my ass, I picked up the pace and caught up to him.
We darted through the sprawling maze of mausoleums and monuments. The gloomy graves seemed to suck the light from the sky as it darkened from bright pink to blood red. My eyes scanned the scene for movement. There could be dozens of undead lurking in the shadows.
Maurice Baudelaire, the vampire we were hunting, was very old and very dangerous. It would have been ideal – safer - to kill him during the day, but because he kept his resting place in a popular tourist attraction with armed guards and visiting hours, we’d had to wait until dusk to make our move. It was our plan to kill him before he awoke for the night. A plan which I had made clear from the start, I was not fond of.
“You want to attack an 800 year old vampire at his resting place at night?” I had asked Dad a week ago when he first informed me of his plan.
            “It’s the only way.” He said resolutely.
            “It’s reckless and arrogant. It goes against everything you’ve ever taught me. You’re not thinking clearly.”
            Dad set down his cup of black coffee and crossed the kitchen to where I sat at the dinner table. There was an inspired yet maniacal glint to his eyes. A tight, forced smile cracked across his face.
            “No, Gabriel, I have gone over this a thousand times in my head. We know Baudelaire’s tomb rests in Père-Lachaise. We have good intelligence telling us that he is back in Paris. Now is the time to strike.” He clenched his hand into a fist for emphasis.
            I studied my father closely, unable to keep the concern from my face. It wasn’t like him to be so rash and careless. He was the type to come up with a contingency plan for every possible scenario; it took him weeks to plan out a hunt for even the most insignificant of vampires.
            “Dad…maybe we should give it a rest. We’ve been going nonstop for two years.”
            Dad slammed his fist into the table. “Rest? Do you have no love for your brother? Do you no sense of honor?”
            “I have honor.” I said firmly.
            “Then be a man and avenge Josiah’s death. That strigoi murdered your only brother, my first born son. I will not rest until he has been wiped off this earth. Even if it means I have to see him to hell myself. ”
            I clasped my hands together in front of my lips. Biting my tongue, I held in everything I wanted to say to my father. The truth threatened to come bursting out of my mouth at any moment. The truth that I hated being a slayer, that I didn’t want to kill anything, and that I didn’t agree with his tenacious thirst for revenge. Truths that I could never tell him.
            I glanced up at Dad again. He had clearly already made up his mind, and would be going to Paris with or without me. Though it was against my better judgment, I loved him too much to let him go alone.
“You’re going to get us both killed.” I quietly resigned to help him.
We made a sharp left turn and came to a halt in front of a tall, grey mausoleum, distinct from those that surrounded it in its lack of flowers and votives. Three small marble steps led up to a black cast iron door. My father glanced back at me and I handed him a crow-bar from the bag. He hooked it on the door handle and yanked it back. The door screeched open. Holding the crow-bar like a baseball bat, he leaned into the chamber and looked around.
“It’s clear. Hurry,” Dad backed away to let me pass. He patted me on the shoulder as I went inside.
The interior of the mausoleum was about six feet long and two feet wide, giving us just enough room to work. On the back wall was a square, red stained-glass window. The floor was cracked and covered in dirt and leaves. Spanning the left wall was a memorial plaque with the name Maurice Baudelaire solemnly engraved across it.
Behind this plaque lay the coffin. Inside the coffin lay Baudelaire. A little stab of fear twisted in my stomach. One way or another, this was going to end tonight.
Together Dad and I beat our crow-bars against the plaque until it cracked and broke into pieces at our feet. I grabbed the head of the coffin, Dad grabbed the foot and we hauled it down to the ground. I reached into the leather bag, tossed a stake to my dad and took one for myself.
I looked across the coffin at my father. His eyes were fixed intently on the wooden box. It was as if all his years of hunting and killing the undead, all the loss and pain of a lifetime of service as a soldier of God, would all be validated in this one act. Anger and pride culminated in his rough, scarred face. He was at the cusp of vengeance. This kill wasn’t for God.
Dad nodded. I grabbed the coffin lid and threw it back. We lunged with our stakes.
“Shit!” Dad shouted.
The coffin was empty. And judging from the dusty, decaying satin it had been empty for a very long time. I let out a quiet sigh of relief.
Dad covered his face with his hand and turned away. “No. It’s not possible. He has to be here.”
The glass window shattered behind me. Two hands grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me out through the hole. I was slammed to the ground, popping the stake out of my hand.
A hissing mouth with two huge fangs and beady red eyes were all I saw. The vampire pulled my shirt away from throat and went for my jugular. I pressed against him with all my strength and fished around my neck for my crucifix. I found it and pressed the relic against the demon’s white face.
The vampire screamed in pain and jumped off of me. I scrambled to get up, but before I could get to my feet he kicked me in the ribs and sent me flying into the air. I landed with a crunch on the pavement. Groaning, I rolled over and pushed myself up. With my weapon gone, all I had was the crucifix around my neck. I warily held it out in a feeble attempt at defense.
A small pink cross been burned into the vampire’s cheek. He bared his fangs and hissed.  His eyes glowed red with rage. Without warning, he charged me.
He only made it three steps. Dad stepped out from between the mausoleums and thrust a stake into the devil’s heart. The vampire’s face turned from anger to shock, and then exploded into dust.
“Holy shit.” I said breathlessly. The adrenaline left me shaking. I doubled over and fought to regain my composure.
“Are you okay?” Dad asked coming toward me. He pulled my shirt back and examined my neck for any punctures.
“I think I cracked a rib. But I’m alright.”
            “Good.”
            Dad turned and headed back to Maurice’s grave. I felt like I had been run over by a truck and I had come very close to having my throat ripped out, but there were no holes in my neck and that was the important thing. My eyes fell to the pile of dust on the ground. A familiar twinge of guilt turned my stomach.
            Dad came back around with the leather bag, slightly limping from an old knee injury. The evening’s activities must have aggravated it. His right eye flinched ever so slightly with each step.
            “Here,” Dad said, thrusting a 9mm at me.
            “What’s this for?”
            “That wasn’t Maurice.”
            Which meant he could still potentially be here, and we could potentially be in more danger than before. Holding a hand against my aching ribs, I followed Dad back down the same, steep cemetery streets. Within minutes we had climbed back over the fence and dropped down to the well lit sidewalk below.

            “So, what do you want do now?” I asked in Romanian, as we found two seats on a crowded metro train. “He’s certainly not going back to that resting place, if he was ever there at all.”
            Dad knitted his brow in concentration.  “He must have known we were coming,” he muttered.
            I didn’t bother to ask him how Baudelaire could have known we were coming. I knew I wouldn’t get an answer. If that was how he wanted to rationalize this loss, that was fine by me.
I watched my dad from the corner of my eye. Everyone said we looked alike. We had the same dark, curly hair. The same dark brown eyes, and even the same oval face. The similarities stopped there.
 Dad was well known within our small community of slayers. They said he was one of the best that ever lived. My older brother, Josiah, was expected to be even better. He had been more like Dad. He had shared the same sense of familial and religious duty to rid the world of vampires and werewolves. Two years ago, he had gone alone on a hunt to Romania. He had succeeded in wiping out nearly an entire coven, but in the end he was ambushed and murdered by Maurice Baudelaire. My father hadn’t been the same since.
            He caught me looking at him and he narrowed his eyes. “We’ll go to the cathedral first thing in the morning to give our report. We’ll figure out where to go from there. I know he’s here, Gabriel. I feel it.”
            “Whatever you say, Dad.”
             
I waited outside the Notre-Dame while my Dad took care of business inside. He could handle whatever paperwork and debriefing was necessary. There was no real need for me to hang around in the dim underground chambers.   
I watched the people going in to confess or take pictures.  It was early in the morning so there weren’t many tourists gathering around yet, but every once in a while I’d see a scruffy looking college student with a backpack or a jet-lagged family who were obviously on a very tight schedule to see everything. I wondered what it would be like to be one of them; to be normal. To get to admire Paris for its beauty and history and to not know that monsters – real monsters – existed.
I turned and looked up at the giant church.  I had seen the cathedral dozens of times, but never as a tourist. The Notre-Dame was one of our headquarters so I had spent much of my youth learning and training in its secret chambers and vaults. Even so, I could still marvel at the beautiful stained-glass windows and the ancient sculptures of gargoyles and saints. Staring up at the cathedral in admiration made me feel like I had something in common with the strangers around me. It amazed us all to think that it had endured 600 years and several wars and was still a beautiful work of art.
            It reminded me of vampires.
            The sweet smell of crêpes wafted towards me and turned me from my thoughts. I knew exactly where the smell was coming from.  I crossed the plaza toward the left of the Notre-Dame, and ran across the street narrowly escaping a speeding moped.
            There, outside of a restaurant, was a little metal stand with a French woman happily making fresh crêpes. The sizzle of the crêpe batter on the skillet made my mouth water. Fortunately there were only four people in line so I took my place behind a girl with jet black hair. 
            I was more focused on planning my order than the people around me, but then the girl in front of me turned to look over her shoulder and I saw her face.  My heart jumped in my chest. She was beautiful. Startlingly beautiful.
            I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. All the sounds of people talking, all the noise from the motorists drained away. Everything around me stopped and the only thing I was aware of was this woman. I had to speak to her. I had to find out her name and be the object of her attention for at least one fleeting minute. I needed to hear her voice.
            “Bonjour,” I said in my best French accent.
            Slowly she turned around. Her big, bright green eyes looked me over. She had smooth, fair skin, high cheekbones and perfectly curved lips. Her silky, black hair framed her face and fell to her shoulders.   
“Hi,” she said.
            My confidence doubled.
 “You speak English.” I remarked happily. French wasn’t my strong suit.
            “So do you.”  She said. She smiled, showing off straight, white teeth.
            “And you’re American,” I said. Then I realized how ridiculous I sounded.  I decided I should tell her something she didn’t already know.  “My name’s Gabriel.” 
            “I’m Jade.” She said. She stuck her hand out toward me.
            I grasped it, a little too eagerly. “Out doing some sight-seeing?” I asked.
            “Not today.  I’m sort of here on business.”
            “Oh, me too.”  I had no idea what to say to this woman.  I racked my brain for something to keep the conversation going.  “Is this your first time in Paris?”
            “No, I have a friend who lives here and I come to visit him from time to time. Is this your first trip?”  Jade asked.
            “Actually, it isn’t. My Dad and I come to Paris a lot.  For business,” I added. I wanted to know what the deal was between Jade and her French friend, but I couldn’t think of a smooth way to ask.
            It was Jade’s turn to order and she told the woman what she wanted in cautious French. She looked back at me with a mischievous glint in her eye.  “I always feel like I’m full of shit when I try to speak French.”
            I laughed and she stepped aside so I could place my order.
            I glanced over at Jade. She flashed her eyes on me and smiled flirtatiously. My heart was humming like a generator. Electricity sparked all through my body. I wanted to say something to impress her, but telling her that I hunted vampires for a living didn’t seem appropriate.  So instead I paid for her crêpe before she had a chance to pull her money out of her back pocket.
            “You didn’t have to do that.”  She told me.
            “I know, but I wanted to.  It’s not every day that I get to do something nice for a pretty girl.”  I hoped I wasn’t coming on too strong or too lame – I really had no idea what I was doing.
            Jade giggled. “Well, thanks.” She started to back away.
            “Hold on,” I said coming after her. “Can I join you? To eat, I mean?”
            Jade bit her lip and looked me up and down again. “I would like to, but I have to meet someone.”
            “Well,” I fumbled to come up with something to keep her longer. “What are you doing later?”
            Jade raised an eyebrow.
            “Look, I’m really not trying to be a creeper. But…I dunno, I’d really like the chance to get to know you. If that’s okay.”
            Jade smiled. “I’m busy tonight, and tomorrow I’m going to the Louvre.”
            “What a coincidence. So am I.” I was now, anyway.
            “Maybe I’ll see you there.”
            “You will see me there.”
            Jade laughed as she turned away. “Goodbye Gabe.”
            “See you later, Jade.” I called after her.
            I watched her until she disappeared into the crowd forming in front of the Notre-Dame.  Unable to wipe the smile off my face, I went back to my waiting place. It was nice to have a bright spot of normalcy in my strange, dark life. I looked forward to seeing her again and spending more time in her light.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Google-able

I just learned something very interesting.

If you go to Google and search "Focusing humor" and then click on images, and then go to result page 4...guess who's smiling face you see?

Mine!

That's right, I am Google-able under something that isn't my name.

The image is of my profile pic and it links back to this fancy blog all because in my bio I say "focusing on the humor in life." And that, my friends, is how the internet works.

On a completely separate and totally unrelated note...I've decided to rewrite Chapter 2 of my novel. It just wasn't working for me, and when I tried to go back just tweak things "in-line" I got stuck and frustrated. Then I remembered some great advice from my old creative writing professor: "If something's not working, just cut it out."

So I'm cutting out chapter 2 and starting fresh. I began working on it Monday and I'm already feeling better about it. It's still going to have the same basic plot, but I changed some stuff up in the cemetery scene to make it a little more revved up and horrific. I think (hope) you will like it. I'm also trying to add some things to flesh out the characters a little more. My goal is to have it finished by the weekend, and then I will post it here and ask for your honest feedback, as the routine goes.

Thanks for reading! =)

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

All Work and No Play Makes Jenni a Dull Girl

Spring is in the air and I'm trapped in a dark cave all day with no windows, surrounded by the grey carpeted walls of my cubicle. The fact that I can't go out and soak up some much needed rays of Vitamin D fills me with resentment. Fortunately I have awesome co-workers to keep me from falling into a pit of grey carpeted despair.

I've been reading everything I can about getting published and the publishing industry, as The Guide instructed, but everything I read is rather depressing. It's all about how difficult it is to get an editor to even look at your story, and how you're probably really a shitty writer and need to write and complete several practice novels before you try to submit a legit novel for publication and even then you'll probably be rejected by everyone. Now, I'm someone who needs a lot of positive reinforcement in my life. I already do a good enough job at second-guessing and beating myself up, and I am not currently accepting applications for that position. What I need is one of these "experts" to say "Hey, you know what? You might actually be good enough, and you might actually have a really great book in your hands." I just need someone to believe in me.

And I don't mean that to sound pitiful or pathetic. I'm just speaking plainly.

I need someone in my corner shouting at me to keep going and willing to squirt water down my throat and apply the enswell to my swelling face. "Cut me, Mick!"

I was lucky enough to have a cutman with me today, who was able to pull me out of my melancholy state of mind. And it wasn't the first time she's done this either. You know who you are, and I thank you. :)

So - where are we on this Path to Publication?

I revised my first chapter and just reposted it to critiquecircle.com. It will go up for review on May 11. I'm also re-reading my second chapter and trying to revise that as much as I can before I submit that for review as well. It's kind of like cleaning your house before the maid comes because you don't want her to think you're a slob - completely nonsensical but it makes me feel a little better about myself. The biggest thing I'm working on is psyching myself up to begin searching for a literary agent. The process of searching for such a person is called "query-ing" or so I've read. It might be my southern accent but query-ing is hard for me to say...so I'm probably going to do the typical Southern thing and just completely make up another word for it; I'm leaning towards Q-ing.

When I begin the process of query-ing things are going to get interesting again, I am sure of it. I just hope I don't face plant. ;)

Thanks for reading!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Music Is My Aeroplane

Nothing inspires me more than a summer rainstorm. I adore the rain - a product of my desert upbringing, I'm sure - and I especially love it in the summer when it comes in and cools everything down for a while. It's a nice break from the oppressive Texas heat.

As I mentioned in my post before last, I had been blocked and unable to work on revising my novel. So I'm quite relieved to have a) finally a free day of rest, b) rainstorms out my window, and c) new music to listen to - all of which are a recipe for writing.

Music is a huge source of inspiration for me too. I can't write without it. Whenever I listen to a song, I get all these images popping up in my head like my own personal music video, and oftentimes these images form together to create a story line or a very vivid scene. I would say that I came up with 90% of my story while using music.

I always make a playlist when I'm working on a project that captures the mood and theme of whatever I'm working on. Today, I thought I'd share part of my A Mouth Full of Teeth playlist with you...just because I feel like sharing!

A Mouth Full of Teeth Playlist:
"Above the Clouds" - Slightly Stoopid (I used this to come up with the first chapter. This song makes me feel like I'm up to no good.)
"Hang You From the Heavens" - The Dead Weather (This song is bad ass, used for action scenes and fighting.)
"Angel" - Massive Attack (Dark and dangerous, this song is great to use when building tension)
"Phenomena" - Yeah Yeah Yeahs (This song is just plain sexy...I think it speaks for itself)
"Put Your Dukes Up John" - Arctic Monkeys (good for a fist fight, used in Gabe's fight scenes)
"Running Up That Hill" - Placebo (this song seems to be about a person who wishes they were someone else, which describes Jade perfectly)
"Sweet Dreams Are Made of This" - Marilyn Manson cover (I used this for when shit hits the fan, the whole song is an epic crescendo - love it)
"Gaston Ave" - Astronautalis (Used to calm things down after shit hits the fan, and everyone needs to process what just happened)
"Howlin' For You" - The Black Keys (this song warms me up for stepping inside this world of werewolves I've created)
"Butterflies and Hurricanes" - Muse (Pretty much anything Muse does is good for writing a lot of action)

I just want to say that I know that last week I got off my posting schedule quite a bit, and I apologize for that - but last week was a very busy week for me. Sunday was the Railroad Revival Tour, Monday was the drive home, Wednesday I went to see Charlie Sheen's "Violent Torpedo of Truth" show (my friends won tickets at work), Friday I woke up at 4am to watch the Royal Wedding live (don't judge me) and then went to bed after dinner at 8pm and slept until 6:40am the next morning. I'm not used to that much action. But this week should be back to normal...unless David Beckham spots me in the crowd at the soccer game tonight and decides to leave Posh Spice for me.

Thanks for reading! =)

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Time to Kill

Now that I've gotten 8 critiques on my work, it's time to put those puppies to use and revise my first chapter. Revising - to me - is the hardest part of the creative writing process. Here you've got this piece of artwork you've created that is pretty good, and now using the varying and contradicting suggestions you've gotten, you have to make it even better. But there's no guarantee that by changing things up you will make your work better; you still run the risk of making it worse.

Much like a cat hoarder who's finally been found out by animal control, I have to carefully examine my work and choose the pieces I want to keep and the ones I can bear to let go of. Like William Faulkner once said, "In writing, you must kill all your darlings."

I tend to get overly attached to things, so this processes is particularly painful for me. I cried like the 7 year old child I was when my parents traded in our family car - the only car I had ever really known - for a new(er) one. Apparently I was the only one who found any significance in the fact that we had brought my little brother home from the hospital in that car, but whatever. It's time to kill some darlings.

It seems like the major criticism of this first chapter is that there's not enough character development. So that is something I am trying to improve upon. The challenge is building characters without throwing off pacing.  If you read Chapter One, then you know there was a lot of action; I don't want to break up that action with character descriptions and thereby lose the reader. On the other hand, if the reader is sitting there thinking "What the heck do these people look like?" then they're probably a little lost already.

Here's another point I would like to make on revising, just in case you ever submit something you have written  to be critiqued. It's important to keep an open mind and consider each critique carefully. A lot of the time, you'll get great suggestions and you'll slap yourself for not thinking of that yourself. BUT, even though all critiques aim to be helpful, not all of them will be right. There comes a time when you have to rely on your inner editor and say "thanks, but no thanks."

So that's what I've been doing with my weekend. Once I believe I've done enough revising I will resubmit my chapter for critiques, and I'll probably post it here for you to peruse at your leisure.

As always, thanks for reading!